Given where you live and what you do, I understand your approach and don't condemn it. I guess I'd like to see more people saying, "Do what you need to do." As someone who has endured over two decades of abuse at the hands of 45 voters in my life, who has tried every conceivable thing to bridge the gap, who has denied myself and my needs time and again in favor of "keeping the peace" and "getting along", I don't call it "privilege" to cut them off. I call it "protecting my mental and emotional health." If only the privileged get to protect their mental and emotional health in the US, which seems likely, then I guess I'm privileged.
I'm not completely unfeeling. I don't want to watch anyone suffer and don't advocate for denying anyone aid. I prefer to watch them get everything they voted for and let a few of them come to me and say they were wrong. I can work with that.
I don’t think anyone should sacrifice themselves, if they can get out of toxic and abusive relationships. My point about privilege was more an economic one, that many people can’t survive if they cut off their families. And while I fully support divorce (obvs) I’m very worried for how women will fare divorcing Trump supporters, knowing what we know about women in retirement or single moms and poverty. Hopefully women will step up to take care of each other. I’m glad you’ve been able to put yourself first now, especially bc it means we get your excellent analysis and writing. Hugs.
I agree Emily. As tempting as it is, cutting off my contact with Trump voters (besides being unrealistic), will only add to the divisiveness. The only way to heal rifts is through contact and conversation, as uncomfortable as that often is.
My husband & several other mostly male family members claimed to be voting for the economy & a secure border when casting their Trump votes. Their priorities are driven by their fears and ignorance, which are fueled by lots of generational trauma. I am making it my mission to shine a light on what comes as a result of their votes. They didn’t give any consideration to state or local elections & I wouldn’t be surprised if they skipped voting for non-partisan races like school board because they aren’t patient enough to inform themselves.
I’ve dealt with male fragility & toxicity my entire life and I’m done side-stepping to keep the peace. They need to know how their votes are impacting the women, marginalized groups, & communities that they claim to care about. It’s not going to be easy or pleasant, but they need to face some uncomfortable truths. I hope there is a path forward.
I think it’s hard for men to consider rejecting Republican candidates too because of the way they’ve marketed it as the party of men, and voting for other candidates threatens that identity, especially for white men in the south. I wish we had more than two viable political parties. I hope at least the men understand your position.
My husband has posited that a) I don’t know how to research b) am not willing to look at other perspectives & c) I’ve been mistaken on minor facts in the past, therefore none of my information is credible. The projection is strong with this one! He is fond of whataboutism and equates asking lots of questions with taking well-reasoned positions on issues.
I do my own thing and he generally keeps his mouth shut about my actions & opinions, even though they make him uncomfortable.
I’ve lived in Michigan my entire life. It’s a real curiosity watching white Southern “liberal” women give such leniency to men who are clearly severely undereducated and lacking in character. Southern women must really take that biblical crap about being the lesser sex to heart.
Well said Emily. Though I support Andra’s decision implicitly, I really believe it’s up to us to keep open channels of dialogue. Thanks for writing so emphatically and articulately.
“A a cultivated condition, anger is almost always toxic. If we sit with that rage too long and nurture it too intently, it slowly begins to pollute us, seeping into our bloodstreams and contaminating the compassionate hearts that caused us to be angry in the first place. Little by little, we become used to a posture of irritability and grievance.
Gradually, we can become more about the fight itself than about anything or anyone we're fighting for: We can begin to live angry.
And the problem is, people who live angry are the very reason so many of us were outraged in the first place and are outraged now. It is those men and women who are fully marked by malice and bitterness that initially caused us to dissent. This is what we're pushing back so fiercely against.
People who live angry eventually discard their humanity and default to contempt for the world. Unable to transform their profound emotion into something beautiful or life-giving or productive, they end up only able to destroy stuff, incapable of building. We've seen this in a GOP who spent the last 8 years learning only to fight against something or someone, never to participate in thoughtful construction, and who now have nothing of value to offer but destruction, exclusion, and eradication.
We who feel a furious, passionate desire to defend equality and diversity and decency, need to make sure that this noble fury is channeled into lives that reflect these things. Our work may begin in outrage but it cannot be built or sustained on it. We have to be fierce protectors of humanity: ours, those we fight for, and yes, even those we oppose. We have to guard against becoming people marked only by our outrage. Since November 5th, I like tens of millions of people have been fully furious but I don't want to be a perpetually pissed-off person. I'm totally at peace with the anger that wakes me up and moves me, but I don't want that anger to stay and to define me.
This is the way we will be a rival people of hope, as we genuinely oppose those who we see being hateful. It is precisely the softness of our hearts that makes us different. Our ability to care and to feel and to grieve is the antidote to the violence that so repulses us and it is what will separate us. Compassion and gentleness and kindness are our true superpowers in such dangerous days when heroically human people are so needed.”
I live in the one bright red county that is by itself in the above map, Saluda County. My husband is from here and we live here because he inherited some property here. Fortunately for me, I am an introvert and am fine not having "friends" here, since I have nothing in common with these people. My small family is composed of people who are liberal like me. My husband and I have had repeated discussions about staying here/not staying here. I'd LOVE to move to a blue state; he says we can't afford to move anywhere else. We are currently in the process of opening an antique shop (had one in Clinton SC for many years!) and I will cheerfully part these trumpnuts from their money for the next couple of years, in two years we will revisit the issue of moving away and maybe he will feel more like living somewhere where we might have a more well-rounded and balanced lifestyle.
He’s right, so many blue states are so expensive! Well I’m glad you’re here, maybe you can get the county more purple before you leave. Give a discount at the antique store if they agree to read a real news source :). Let me know when the store opens… I’ll tell people about it!
Thanks! I hope we can make a difference here. We have been working with the county Dem party but there are so many issues with it, it's hard to see how to improve the situation. The white people here are satisfied with their place in the scheme of things, none of them, including the women, are concerned with making things more equitable. The black people have ownership of the county Dem Party, the white people have left in droves and the Hispanic people are outsiders who have their own subculture within the county. We would like to bring them into the Dem Party, but of course, with so many Hispanic men having voted for Trump, and the fact that so many of them are evangelicals, it seems extremely problematic.
Given where you live and what you do, I understand your approach and don't condemn it. I guess I'd like to see more people saying, "Do what you need to do." As someone who has endured over two decades of abuse at the hands of 45 voters in my life, who has tried every conceivable thing to bridge the gap, who has denied myself and my needs time and again in favor of "keeping the peace" and "getting along", I don't call it "privilege" to cut them off. I call it "protecting my mental and emotional health." If only the privileged get to protect their mental and emotional health in the US, which seems likely, then I guess I'm privileged.
I'm not completely unfeeling. I don't want to watch anyone suffer and don't advocate for denying anyone aid. I prefer to watch them get everything they voted for and let a few of them come to me and say they were wrong. I can work with that.
I don’t think anyone should sacrifice themselves, if they can get out of toxic and abusive relationships. My point about privilege was more an economic one, that many people can’t survive if they cut off their families. And while I fully support divorce (obvs) I’m very worried for how women will fare divorcing Trump supporters, knowing what we know about women in retirement or single moms and poverty. Hopefully women will step up to take care of each other. I’m glad you’ve been able to put yourself first now, especially bc it means we get your excellent analysis and writing. Hugs.
I agree Emily. As tempting as it is, cutting off my contact with Trump voters (besides being unrealistic), will only add to the divisiveness. The only way to heal rifts is through contact and conversation, as uncomfortable as that often is.
Very unrealistic here :). And agree, re: contact. Sometimes I feel like I’m the first lefty people have really talked to lol.
How has that been working out for you these past nine years? Making any progress?
Thank you for this, Emily.
My husband & several other mostly male family members claimed to be voting for the economy & a secure border when casting their Trump votes. Their priorities are driven by their fears and ignorance, which are fueled by lots of generational trauma. I am making it my mission to shine a light on what comes as a result of their votes. They didn’t give any consideration to state or local elections & I wouldn’t be surprised if they skipped voting for non-partisan races like school board because they aren’t patient enough to inform themselves.
I’ve dealt with male fragility & toxicity my entire life and I’m done side-stepping to keep the peace. They need to know how their votes are impacting the women, marginalized groups, & communities that they claim to care about. It’s not going to be easy or pleasant, but they need to face some uncomfortable truths. I hope there is a path forward.
I think it’s hard for men to consider rejecting Republican candidates too because of the way they’ve marketed it as the party of men, and voting for other candidates threatens that identity, especially for white men in the south. I wish we had more than two viable political parties. I hope at least the men understand your position.
My husband has posited that a) I don’t know how to research b) am not willing to look at other perspectives & c) I’ve been mistaken on minor facts in the past, therefore none of my information is credible. The projection is strong with this one! He is fond of whataboutism and equates asking lots of questions with taking well-reasoned positions on issues.
I do my own thing and he generally keeps his mouth shut about my actions & opinions, even though they make him uncomfortable.
Sounds a bit like he’s grasping at straws!
I’ve lived in Michigan my entire life. It’s a real curiosity watching white Southern “liberal” women give such leniency to men who are clearly severely undereducated and lacking in character. Southern women must really take that biblical crap about being the lesser sex to heart.
You’ve made several faulty assumptions here, Jake.
If your goal is to better understand someone’s experience that differs from yours, then I am willing to elaborate and provide you more context.
If you think you have it all figured out, then you probably understand “undereducated” Southern men better than you realize.
I’m happy to discuss further.
Well said Emily. Though I support Andra’s decision implicitly, I really believe it’s up to us to keep open channels of dialogue. Thanks for writing so emphatically and articulately.
“A a cultivated condition, anger is almost always toxic. If we sit with that rage too long and nurture it too intently, it slowly begins to pollute us, seeping into our bloodstreams and contaminating the compassionate hearts that caused us to be angry in the first place. Little by little, we become used to a posture of irritability and grievance.
Gradually, we can become more about the fight itself than about anything or anyone we're fighting for: We can begin to live angry.
And the problem is, people who live angry are the very reason so many of us were outraged in the first place and are outraged now. It is those men and women who are fully marked by malice and bitterness that initially caused us to dissent. This is what we're pushing back so fiercely against.
People who live angry eventually discard their humanity and default to contempt for the world. Unable to transform their profound emotion into something beautiful or life-giving or productive, they end up only able to destroy stuff, incapable of building. We've seen this in a GOP who spent the last 8 years learning only to fight against something or someone, never to participate in thoughtful construction, and who now have nothing of value to offer but destruction, exclusion, and eradication.
We who feel a furious, passionate desire to defend equality and diversity and decency, need to make sure that this noble fury is channeled into lives that reflect these things. Our work may begin in outrage but it cannot be built or sustained on it. We have to be fierce protectors of humanity: ours, those we fight for, and yes, even those we oppose. We have to guard against becoming people marked only by our outrage. Since November 5th, I like tens of millions of people have been fully furious but I don't want to be a perpetually pissed-off person. I'm totally at peace with the anger that wakes me up and moves me, but I don't want that anger to stay and to define me.
This is the way we will be a rival people of hope, as we genuinely oppose those who we see being hateful. It is precisely the softness of our hearts that makes us different. Our ability to care and to feel and to grieve is the antidote to the violence that so repulses us and it is what will separate us. Compassion and gentleness and kindness are our true superpowers in such dangerous days when heroically human people are so needed.”
@JohnPavlovitz
I live in the one bright red county that is by itself in the above map, Saluda County. My husband is from here and we live here because he inherited some property here. Fortunately for me, I am an introvert and am fine not having "friends" here, since I have nothing in common with these people. My small family is composed of people who are liberal like me. My husband and I have had repeated discussions about staying here/not staying here. I'd LOVE to move to a blue state; he says we can't afford to move anywhere else. We are currently in the process of opening an antique shop (had one in Clinton SC for many years!) and I will cheerfully part these trumpnuts from their money for the next couple of years, in two years we will revisit the issue of moving away and maybe he will feel more like living somewhere where we might have a more well-rounded and balanced lifestyle.
He’s right, so many blue states are so expensive! Well I’m glad you’re here, maybe you can get the county more purple before you leave. Give a discount at the antique store if they agree to read a real news source :). Let me know when the store opens… I’ll tell people about it!
Thanks! I hope we can make a difference here. We have been working with the county Dem party but there are so many issues with it, it's hard to see how to improve the situation. The white people here are satisfied with their place in the scheme of things, none of them, including the women, are concerned with making things more equitable. The black people have ownership of the county Dem Party, the white people have left in droves and the Hispanic people are outsiders who have their own subculture within the county. We would like to bring them into the Dem Party, but of course, with so many Hispanic men having voted for Trump, and the fact that so many of them are evangelicals, it seems extremely problematic.
Nah, I'm cutting 'em all off.
I will never be so forgiving. Trump voters are Nazis . Period .